Pulpmovies Reviews

Given the remake frenzy that is currently gripping Hollywood it was probably inevitable that someone would, eventually, go back to the ’50s. But rather than remaking a single film, Eight Legged Freaks tries to put a 21st Century spin in the whole genre of monster movies that cashed in on the public’s fears as the world entered the Atomic Age.

The monsters in this case are, of course, giant spiders. And given that we all know that nuclear waste isn’t going to cause spiders to suddenly grow to monstrous proportions, we have an equally silly alternative.

Swerving to avoid a rabbit on the road, a truck drops a barrel of toxic slime into a nearby pond and then drives off without realising he’s a barrel lighter. Presumably the waste in question is so innocuous that no one felt there was any need to secure it. This would also explain why no one bothers to report the barrel missing when the truck turns up at it’s destination with (at least) one barrel fewer than it started out with.

Never mind. If the toxic transporters were doing their jobs, we wouldn’t have much of a film.

Sexy sheriff Sam Parker (Kari Wuhrer) and Deputy Pete (Rick Overton) find the barrel a few days later, but by this time the damage is done as the barrel has already leaked, poisoning the immediate environment. This is unfortunate because the immediate environment is where Joshua collects the crickets to feed his collection of spiders. Mad scientists are evidently still too much to stomach since Joshua’s trade is (illegally) importing and breeding exotic spiders. These crickets cause the spiders to start to grow beyond their normal size - a fact that excites Joshua no end, and one that he shares with his only friend, the arachnophile kid (and Parker’s son), Mike (Scott Terra).

I really don’t like kids in horror films. Apart from the cutesy annoyingness of celluloid children in general, there will come a moment when you find yourself sitting in a darkened cinema watching the beastie stalking its next potential victim and the soundtrack switches to the character in peril chords. You are, at this point, expected to move to the edge of your seat. However, there is a rule in Hollywood that says ‘the kid never gets it’. This means that any scene in which the kid looks like he is in danger will end uneventfully, so this is a good time to sit back and enjoy your popcorn.

So, on to the rest of the story…

The unfortunately named town of Prosperity, Arizona was built on the hope of the local goldmine coming up trumps. Unfortunately, this hasn’t happened and, now that the mine’s owner has died, the town’s corrupt mayor, Wade (Leon Rippy) is pressing the residents to sell up to a waste disposal company so that the mines can be used to store toxic waste.

This seems like a good time for the film’s hero to turn up… and he does. Prodigal son, Chris McCormack (David Arquette) returns after ten years to announce that his father wasn’t mad and that there is gold in the mines and he’s going to find it. So the sale’s off. And McCormack the miner goes back to mining in his methane filled mines (bet that comes in handy later on).

Meanwhile, mad Joshua’s spiders have escaped… into the mines…

The first part of the film is played reasonably straight. Characters, both major and minor, are introduced and there is a steady stream of spider related incidents to keep things moving. The only real problem at this point is one that is common to a lot of horror films these days, and that is that the characters slot so easily into their allotted stereotypes that it is readily apparent who is going to make it to the end of the film and who is going to become spider food. This, in turn, means that several scenes that could have been reasonably tense lose their impact because you know how it is going to pan out. That said, the film does manage one particularly squirm inducing scene with a hosepipe.

Fortunately, when the spiders finally emerge and go on the rampage, Eight Legged Freaks drops all pretence at being a horror film and moves firmly into action movie territory. People get chased, grabbed and webbed as a chattering, giggling horde of spiders swarm onto a town that is naturally slow to accept the reality of their situation.

And yes, the spiders do chatter, chirrup and giggle. All of which adds to the cartoon-like unreality of the film.

Although the body count is high, there isn’t a great deal of gore as most of the violence tends to happen just off screen. The second half of the film is also the part where the jokes start flying thick and fast - including a chainsaw wielding Jason Voorhees ready to defend the shopping mall, the inclusion of which is a nod to Dawn of the Dead. Also worth mentioning at this point is Harlan (Doug E. Doug) the resident conspiracy theorist who’s paranoid rantings start out funnily enough, although his fear of anal probes does get a bit wearing after a while.

If you are looking for a fun night out, Eight Legged Freaks largely delivers. My main gripe is the human characters are so flat that it I found it quite difficult to care what happens to any of them. Special mention on this score goes to David Arquette who is a charisma free zone throughout the entire film.

On the other hand, if you have CGI, who needs charisma?

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